6.06.2006

Antichrists Unlimited

So the Beast rises again. Why not? It’s his time.

Yet it seems like it's always his time.

The early church believed that Nero was the Antichrist. But after he slit his own throat, they had to reconsider. And thus began a long line of potential candidates: Domitian, Decius, Valerian and Diocletian; after that Martin Luther, Napoleon, Hitler, Benito Mussolini. At various times, Christians suggested Jimmy Carter, Henry Kissinger or Mikhail Gorbachev was the "man of sin." And, of course, every successive Pope.

According to BushIsAntichrist.com, our current president is the Beast. The author, using detailed Hebraic charts and archaic historical tidbits, makes a powerful case. Take, for instance, this stunning revelation:

If you add up the name 'George Bush' in Hebrew letters it comes out:

G = 3 (gimel)
e = 5 (heh)
o = 70 (ayin)
r = 200 (resh)
g = 3 (gimel)
e = 5 (heh)
B = 2 (beth)
u = 70 (ayin)
s = 300 (shin)
h = 8 (cheth)
total = 666 (Antichrist)

But as compelling as the argument is, it’s not conclusive. Other presidents have fit the bill much better. According to today's L.A. Times, in an article entitled "June Doom, or Just Another Day?", Ronald Reagan was the spitting image of der Dragon.

Ronald Wilson Reagan was also suggested because each of his names had six letters. (After the president and Nancy Reagan moved into their new home in Belair, she had the address changed from 666 to 668.)

Another author goes to great lengths to prove that Prince Charles is the Antichrist. Bill Gates has been thrown into the mix as a possible aspirant to evil overlord. Even David Hasslehoff has been spotted in the lineup.

But at the top of the list is Barney.

1. Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2. Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway)
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3. Extract all Roman Numerals:
C- V -- V- L -- D - I -V

4. Convert these into Arabic values:
100- 5 - 5 -50 - 500 - 1 - 5

5. Add these numbers:
666

I thought there was something weird about that effeminate hadrosaur.

But the statuette goes to this doozy. It's the Antichrist Name Calculator. Yep, those suspicions about your boss might be justified. Just type in his/her name and the Antichrist Name Calculator will compute the numeric value. (I was relieved to discover I'm only 475. But some of you...?)

So keep them eyes peeled, y'all. The signs are all around us. Purple dinosaurs, Baywatch hunks and bad remakes are only the beginning of the coming apocalypse.

7 comments:

michael snyder said...

Whew! Lately I've been feeling a bit devilish. Good to know I'm not on the A list.

If there's an opening for The AntiBarney, I'd be up for auditioning.

Katie Hart said...

Of course, he's known as George W. Bush, so it's really pointing at . . . his father.

Ame said...

Whew! Mine was 964 . . . I even tried my ex's ... his was 1068 ... oh well . . . (hehehehehe)

Poor Barney! He has created hours of "free mommy time" uhhhh errrr . . . great kid entertainment time!

Mike Duran said...

Mike, you'd never pass for the Antibarney -- you're too cuddly and... purple. Katie, according to most of the American media, any conservative is the "spawn of Satan." And Ame, your ex is not the Antichrist. Unless, of course, he's a conservative.

Janet Rubin said...

Oh man, what a relief. I'm glad it's Barney because I thought it might be my husband- Dave was born on 6/6/61. Married to the anti-Christ. That'd suck.

Mike Duran said...

Yeah Janet, but just think of the perks: rabid rottweilers at your command, a false prophet at your disposal, celebrity status (primarily endowed by Hollywood execs in need of remake fodder) and a new world order at your beck and call. Have you checked for three sixes on Dave's scalp?

Ame said...

Mike - he's a conservative who likes to live a liberal life!!! LOL!!!